Loose Ends

I don't remember feeling quite like this about anything before. I think I've been aware of something strange creeping up on me for a while but i'm only just finding words that match... Its like my heart has just caught up with my head - or it's the other way around? I'm not sure.

My friend Phil was asking me on Saturday how I was feeling about heading off. I don't know if my answer to him made any sense but what I was trying to say was that I feel… Exposed. Over the past few weeks I have been slowly ‘tying up loose ends’ (for want of a better term) leaving my job, finishing off projects, closing accounts, packing up belongings, saying goodbyes… What I realized though is that life is full of ‘loose ends,’ they’re like a spaghetti junction of options that cover over all the gaps.  But when you tie them up it all stops. The normal daily activities cease to exist and you’re left… Just you. You and the one end that’s not tied up, which ironically feels like is the most fragile and uncertain of all.

This weekend I said goodbye to so many amazing friends (some I’ll be saying goodbye to everyday this week before I depart on Friday morning) but it only really hit me Today – as I was sat next to my friend Dave before church this morning – I’m actually going! Me, 3 wheels and a crazy dream. Exposure is a scary thing. Goodbye’s… closure… tied up end’s… are all far to real for my liking but I’m exited. Terrified but excited. 5 days to go!